I need one of these smile passes badly.

I'm tired. The year's coming to an end already, and yet problems are still surfacing now. ): I know you don't read my blog, that's why i'm penning down my feelings here. I'm trying so hard to continue smiling for you, even when i'm not okay, i'm upset. I don't like putting up a strong front, because its killing me on the inside. And you can't even tell. There's so many things i'm not happy about, yet i know i can't just tell you. Because i'm just afraid. I'm afraid of what might happen, i'm afraid of histroy repeating itself. Once bitten, twice shy. I don't want to have to go through the same ordeal again, that incident alone was enough. I reproached myself everytime we quarrelled. I hate it so badly, yet i know even when i tell you how i feel, it's pointless.

You said you would change, but why can't i see the change? The only change i'm seeing is your attitude towards me. Things aren't the same anymore, things can't be brought back. Last night, as i laid in bed reading all those past messages you had sent me from the very beginning, tears flowed down like a water tap. What happened to us? Why can't we be like how we were before? When I see couples outside holding hands and stuff, sometimes i just wonder, 'oh why can't that be us.' It's a silly thought. I hold on to things which i know will never happen, i constantly wonder why i'm like this. Very often, i get the feeling that i'm just a friend with the status of 'your girlfriend'. It doesn't make sense, does it. Why did i even bother falling in love again when all i know is how to hurt people. Gahhhhhh. :'(

I've decided. I'm not going to tell you what I was supposed to tell you. Because even if I was alright, unhappy things still happened. Great. Fuck life.