I've had enough of this nightmare that's been ongoing for far too long.

Maybe its time to open my eyes and take a look around me.

As oblivious as I am to my surroundings, as insensitive as I am to people's feelings, it doesn't mean I can't feel. If not for the better, but for the worst. I don't need anyone's pity. That its so sad that this girl has no real friends. That this girl is, in actual fact, all alone. It doesn't matter now, because problems smacks you in your face like a bullet train, and all at once. How is it not possible that I can't see the cracks in between?

Sometimes you wonder if I even liked you at all. Well then, same here. I've wondered that countless times, and each time, the answer appears the same way. I can choose to forget. But even if all those instances were pushed to the back of my mind, it just keeps resurfacing. Each time I know the answer, each time my heart sinks. Its probably a bottomless pit by now. Like a universal blackhole.

You've talked about me, I've talked about you. True enough, but how old are we now? Maybe its human nature that humans do talk behind each other's back, no matter how close we are, or were. Nobody wanted all these pretences to be involved in something like a true friendship. But what have we done? Or perhaps, what have I done? I ought to reflect upon myself, but I can't be the only one doing it.

Its not that I'd never turn up. Somehow, someway, our timings always clashes. When we plan something, we always make it last minute. And most of the time, I'm either working or I already have plans. Like you, if I were to call you out last minute, wouldn't you already have made plans? And then there are times when sudden circumstances forced us to missed out on each other. It might seem all to be excuses to you, I don't know, honestly. See, like the time we were supposed to meet up on a Friday. You forgot, you went ahead with basketball. You called me to come. I said okay, but then I didn't turn up. Why? Because my stomach cramped that badly. You took it as an excuse I gave, didn't you? No matter how true it was.

Take this coming Saturday as an example. I can make it, and you can't. Last Saturday? I can't make it cause I'm working, and you can. See my point?

Like you once said, friendship isn't a one way thing. You can give give give, but I can't keep taking. I can give give give, neither can you keep taking. Can we even be true to each other, this remains a big question to me. We've missed out on each other too much. Far too much. You don't see me the same way anymore. Neither do I.

I'm pretty sure you remember this, very well in fact. Maybe I can't. So maybe, just maybe, I should let everyone go. If I can't even balance one friendship, what makes it possible for me to balance that few? So maybe I should just keep quiet, shouldn't I? Because you'll keep thinking your stand is right, and likewise for me. There wouldn't be an end, hence the silence. I swallowed it in, so did you. This time, maybe the silence will just tear us apart for real.

We drifted, I know. This probably wasn't what I initially thought would happen after we graduated. You were positive of losing me, and I know why. I was positive of losing you too. Thou we promised to stay in contact, stay close and meet up often, it isn't happening. We're avoiding each other like plaque, as if we were afraid to even see each other.

I've drifted from many friends. Many.

Maybe I've been spending too much time with newly found friends that I've 'forgotten' the old ones.

Maybe I've been neglecting people who used to be close to me.

I thought about how much we've missed out on each other; how long have we not hung out nor seen each other. Its been a really long time, hasn't it? So if all you wanted was to let go, just tell me. I don't see the point is us avoiding and avoiding, and then, what?

I make wrong choices, I've let the best people in my life slip past me. And do you think its still easy to be smiling like I am perfectly fine with it? I might have said some tactless things without thinking twice to you. You might have felt offended. DO YOU KNOW, how I felt when I knew how fragile this friendship is? We wanted no pretence. No false fronts. Just a clean, honest and open friendship. But i guess, its probably getting too hard. Trying and trying, you & I are both tired. Its time we stop worthless & pointless arguments. Giving the cold shoulder to each other doesn't mean that the problem is gone, its just pushed away till another spark ignites it again.

I miss the old times too. To say the least, I missed you. I missed hanging out with you. I missed talking to & confiding in you. But then, what are we now?

If you're avoiding God's home now because of me, what can I say? What do you want to hear me say? That I'll probably stop going, because I've made you a sinner? And that'd make me a sinner, too. Wouldn't it?

I'm tired, really, I am. Aren't you?