It sucks when you're the keeper of the memories. Memories which you hold on to dearly. Memories you really fear to lose. You hold on to stupid things, stupid thoughts that will never happen. Honestly, back then, you don't know how much I wanted to tell you how I felt about you. But then again, too many things held me back.

I've seen how a good friend of mine lost his chance simply because he was afraid of what might happen, what might change and that she might not feel the same way he did. Even though, back then, she did. She never told him either, because she thought he treated every girl, everyone else the same way he did with her. Now, he can only watch her walk away from him.

Had a talk with Chris and Weisheng yesterday. Good advisers, though I always get shot at because I'm a girl, tsk. Yeah, my level of maturity isn't there yet, I'm still pretty immature/childish and I admit. But they gave me opinions from a boy's perspective and its totally different from a girl's. That's how much the two genders actually think differently.

And then it leads me back to myself. Third time in a row, this shit is happening. Now, I'm just beginning to question myself, what went wrong? Would things be different if I had the courage to tell? My heart's so numb, I don't know what to feel anymore. We aren't strangers, neither are we friends. So what exactly are we?

I never knew that one day you would be this important to me. Cross my heart. You were the only one who could make me smile even though I was really mad at something, the only one who made the extra effort to try and make me smile again though I was being some depressed bitch. Even though in the end I still failed and made you wonder why you even bother trying. I'm sorry for my mistakes, for being wilful and wanting your attention. I guess I hadn't felt this way in a really long time. I hadn't felt wanted in a really wrong time. Or maybe, I just misinterpreted all your actions and words for something else. Maybe you treated me the way you would treat everyone else. I really really really really want to talk to you... But I don't know how.

I really wanna tell you how much I miss you. But I can't.

I realised, I have a tendency to push people away. Very often. It sucks to be me. To have walls up around your heart so high, that no one is able to break it down. Not now, not ever. To have mental barriers that caused my insecurities. To be unable to trust people. I push people away so often that I feel more alone than before. No, I'm not crying out for attention, or for sympathy. I just want and need someone to understand me. That's pretty much all I want. But then again, if I can't even figure myself out, what makes me so sure that someone else would be able to..?

Its as though I can feel everyone slipping out of my life, one by one. Slowly, but surely..